Attack Deer vs. Wild

Every guy sees himself as an outdoorsman. It doesn’t matter how civilized or soft life makes us, we are all positive that, if we wanted to, we could strap on a backpack and disappear into the wilderness for a great adventure. This is why places like REI and Patagonia are usually visible from the freeway.

A couple of years ago Jonathan and Jeremy ( both true disciples of Jeremiah Johnson and among a handful of people I know who possess a genuine knowledge of the great outdoors) and I went backpacking in New Mexico where Jonathan was about to start working. This is a picture from the last night on the trail and when I think of 'Lance the Outdoorsman', this is the image that comes to mind.

Most guys have a picture like this somewhere in their house, one that shows how rugged they are. They are usually holding up a trout or kneeling next to a dead animal. Or instead of a picture, they may have the animal itself displayed on their wall as a testament to their toughness.

The story this picture tells, at least the story we want it to tell, is about how we journeyed into the woods and lived off the fat of the land, taking advantage of the great bounty God provided. But this isn’t really true. It’s not exactly false, but in the interest of complete disclosure, and to help illustrate my previous point, I think it’s important to know the background of this picture.

This was the fourth (I think) and final night of our trip and earlier that afternoon we had emerged from the national forest (can’t remember which one, Santa Fe maybe?) and set up camp in a clearing overlooking part of the Pecos River. On a side note, the house Jonathan and his family will soon occupy is being built in that same clearing.

Anyway, after we set up camp for the final night, we started thinking about what we would do for dinner. Four days of dehydrated and freeze dried food had taken its toll and we were all looking forward to something different. The only wildlife we saw over the course of the previous three days was a rattlesnake and we were hopeful that being up on the prairie would yield a rabbit or two for the spit.

But our patience got the better of us and instead of rabbit we opted for the friendlier fare of a nearby restaurant. We ate heartily and headed back to camp for one more night in the high desert before heading home. It was dusk when we got back to the ranch and there were rabbits everywhere. So we did what every guy in that situation would do, we killed a couple of them. And despite our full stomachs, we cleaned and cooked them.

We didn’t do this because we were hungry and nobody wore a rabbit skin hat out of the woods the next day. Mostly, I think, we did it in order to live up to the image we had of ourselves. And I like how this picture captures that image, however real or imagined it might be.

Watch your top knot, pilgrim.

Attack Deer Welcomes Eden Kora Shaum

Craig and Lee Ann, congratulations on the hat trick.

Don't Take this the Wrong Way

Donna, like most of us this week, is taking part in that bastion of office-place Christmas spirit known as Secret Santa.

Donna's "Jingle Buddy" is new to her department, recently relocating from Chicago. So Donna thought it would be nice to make a CD with some Texas artists to welcome them to the Great Lone Star State.

And because Donna happens to be married to a renowned music critic and pundit, she asked me to select the songs for the disc. So last night I dutifully sat down and put together a list of 13 choice selections representing the very best rock, blues, country and swing music that Texas-born talent has to offer.

But tonight as we were listening to our own copy of the CD, it dawned on us that it's very possible this gift could be...well...misinterpreted. It's likely we are over analyzing this, but there are two factors at work that may create some awkwardness.

First, Donna's Jingle Buddy is a dude.

Second, the CD contains some suggestive lyrics that take on a completely different personality when given as a gift to a co-worker. A sampling of said lyrics follows:

You look romantic layin' in the hay

I need you tonight in a new kind of way

When you look at me with those eyes

It makes me start to fantasize

Do it to me like I know you could

So I can do it to you baby like a Texan should

As I think of the past and all the pleasures we had

As I watch the mating of the dove

It was in the springtime when you said goodbye

I remember our faded love

Merry Christmas, but not in that way.

I'd Like to Buy a Stupid

I have always thought the least interesting programming you could air on the radio is baseball. The absence of any real, sustained action makes it pretty unbearable even on TV, but listeing to it on the radio is even more futile.

But I've changed my mind and baseball has been bumped to #2 on that list. The other night on my way home from work I was scanning the F.M. dial and came across a radio broadcast of, and this is just too stupid to make up, Wheel of Fortune.

I can't think of any game show that would be even the least bit appropriate for the radio format, let alone the one that REQUIRES you to see what is going on.

Funniest Thing Ever

Click on the link below for a Christmas greeting from Chloe and Hannah.
http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1123941542

Attack Deer at the Movies

Donna and I see a lot of movies, it’s one of our favorite things to do. We probably average a couple of movies a month, and it’s not that unusual for us to see a couple in a single weekend. We’re usually not that critical, but occasionally we’ll see one that throws up all over itself. This was the case last weekend when we went to see No Country for Old Men.

The buzz around this movie has been strong, and it’s got several things going for it that Donna and I were pretty excited about. First, it’s based on a novel by Cormac McCarthy, who also wrote the book that one of our all-time favorite movies, All the Pretty Horses, is based on. Second, it has Tommy Lee Jones playing a sheriff and nobody flexes the long arm of the law like Woodrow Call himself. Finally, it’s a gangster movie and gangster movies are always cool.

But even with all of these promising elements, we left the theatre laughing at the sheer stupidity of it.

No Country for Old Men starts off promising enough. Some dude wanders onto the scene of a drug deal that has gone tits up. Dead bodies are everywhere and in the gory aftermath someone has dropped a bag of money. The rest of the movie is about the gangsters trying to get their money back.

This is when we started to get the idea that this movie might be heading south. Milton from Office Space is the king pin for crying out loud. And the goon they sent to get the money looks just like a goon somebody would send to get the money. To me, the very first qualification of a hit man would be someone who can blend in. But if you saw this guy walking down the street, you’d call the police and tell them there was a hit man walking down the street.
Tommy Lee Jones plays (unintentionally) the laziest (and maybe the dumbest) cop to ever be sworn in. He can’t figure out who in the world is killing every dang thing in town, but in just about every scene he’s just sitting in some diner reading the paper. Actually going outside and trying to find the psychopathic killer never seems to become a real option until it’s time for him to retire.

For good measure, throw in Woody from Cheers as a bounty hunter and an ending that’s as unimaginative as cafeteria meat loaf and you got yourself the next big movie of 2007. Every once in a while it becomes very fashionable to like something. This is how completely horrible movies like Crash win Oscars.

Attack Deer Goes Green

That droning sound in the background is Al Gore, still yammering about global warming. And unfortunately he’s not alone on Mother Earth’s bandwagon. So, in an effort to get all of these prophets of doom to shut the hell up, Attack Deer is joining the crusade by doing its part to save the planet.

First, you should know that all of the words you are reading are composed of 100 percent post-consumer letters. Letters are actually very versatile, able to be rearranged and used over and over again – much like plastic water bottles or Brittany Spears.

Second, Attack Deer is now running on ethanol. In fact, we can be anywhere in the world with the push of a button without using any fossil fuels whatsoever. Plus, deer are naturally vegetarian so by not consuming beef, we are not supporting the culprits most responsible for the production of greenhouse gasses – cattle.

I am all for conservation, but the pendulum has swung so far in one direction that the green movement has started to look a lot like the red scare. Duck and cover. Paper or plastic?

Of course, the ridiculous amount of hand-wringing going on over the environment might be just what the doctor ordered to get us thinking seriously about taking care of what we have.

I actually had an idea of my own that could help stave off the certain death that Mr. Gore assures me is just around the corner. It’s become trendy in Austin to carry a canvas bag for grocery shopping. Use the same bag every time and there’s no need to worry about environmentally-unfriendly grocery bags piling up in your kitchen cabinet. But my idea is even better. What if you were not allowed to carry any bags at all? This way you would be compelled to buy only what you can carry in your hands. This would make people think long and hard about what they pick up.

Think about the benefits. People would be healthier because they would never leave the grocery store with more than a handful of food. Plus, you would naturally eat fresher foods because a bag of peaches is easier to carry than a can of peaches. Less food to take home means less food to store, so you can turn off the refrigerator, reducing your carbon footprint. You would also have to make more trips to the store, so more walking.

This is an irrational approach, I know. But if I were a democrat they would be handing me Nobel prizes.